Diving into Motherhood

There’s a switch that flips when you enter into motherhood. It happens instantaneously as you become responsible for another human being. Whether you have birthed this person, adopted them into your family, or are a temporary caretaker - they are your responsibility. This brings about a lot of change into your life. This beautiful person (or persons) that you welcome into your home, your life, your family, changes… everything.

There are so many beautiful things that come from motherhood. There is beauty in multitasking, the snuggles, the baby giggles, and the ability to pour into a person and watch them blossom over time. Changes that happen overnight can be both welcomed, and overwhelming. For example, you can hate the amount of laundry you do, but no one can be mad at those cute little socks you now get to fold. You may miss the free time you once had, but your time may feel more precious than ever now. You may miss getting takeout without having to worry about what everyone else is going to eat, but now you get to sit at the table and enjoy dinnertime as a family. All good things, but complex nonetheless.

Motherhood is such a complicated journey that directly impacts your personal identity, your mental health and your physical health. I want to explain here that these impacts occur in motherhood regardless if you have birthed biological children, fostered, adopted, or mothered others under your roof; motherhood is for all mothers - all journeys. I personally am 15 months postpartum and can honestly say that at different points in motherhood I have felt challenged in all three of these areas. Here are a few instances from my journey into motherhood and how I worked to find my own stride, regain my strength and how I handled the changes in my life.

Personal Identity

Written by Brenna Syphard

8 weeks postpartum I was to return to work after my maternity leave was finished. 2 weeks after returning to work I was sent to work from home (#WFH) due to the pandemic (#Covid19). 3 months after this, we moved and my #SocialWork license did not transfer over state lines. As a family, we made the choice that I would be a stay-at-home mama (#SAHM) due to our family’s circumstances. Needless to say, the first 6 months of being a mother, I was all over the place trying to find my new identity. Even given the circumstances, what would you do if I told you that this was and is normal? Dare I say… Let us #NormalizeMotherhood.

Embracing your motherly title can be difficult, confusing, and hard sometimes. Some are able to embrace it with ease and jump into motherhood without skipping a beat. Others struggle with comparison, holding onto what once was and knowing how to find their worth. Again, let me repeat, this is NORMAL. Allow me also to simply say, comparison is a thief. Comparing yourself to other moms throughout your journey is worse than comparing apples and oranges. This will only bring your heartache and troubles. So what do we do when we feel lost? Lost within ourselves, in our roles, and in our day to day activities?

1. Turn to God.

In Genesis, there are numerous mothers that struggle with the desire to fulfill their obligations as mothers and also as women. Time and time again, the women that are able to fully commit to turning to God were able to come out on the other side stronger, more fulfilled, and intimately connected with their purpose. I am reminded of the stories of Rachel and Leah as they battled with each other, their husband, and with God about their role as mothers, providers, and for affection. Through it all, God continued to pursue and love these women. (“And God remembered Rachel…” Genesis 30:22) This truth continues to remain today: God continues to pursue you, love you, and He remembers you when you feel forgotten. Following God and choosing to carry your cross daily brings more purpose and insight into your identity than you will ever fathom! (Comment/email me and we can talk about this further.)

2. Surround yourself with loving supportive mothers.

You may have heard the old saying, “You are who you surround yourself with.” This 100% rings true in my motherhood experiences. I have three groups of people that I rely on this domain: my closest friends (these are my gals that I can call, text, facetime, Marco Polo - you name it, and they will answer), my online bible study, and my workout tribe (@Momleta).

All 3 of these groups of people are essential to me, and have helped me in ways they may never fathom. Your closest mom friends should both accept you and challenge you, if they are not doing both parts I encourage you to open up and become more vulnerable in that relationship - if you choose the right friends, they will not disappoint. My online bible study (see picture below, because we just met due to #Covid19!!!) has encouraged me, taught me, challenged me, and strengthened my goals for diving into God’s Word greater than I ever anticipated. If you are not joining a Bible study, because it is online, do it anyway. Plunge into these relationships, pray for these women, and do not underestimate what God can do - even in a global pandemic. (I will talk about my workout tribe later on!)

3. Talk with your spouse OR a loved one.

Vulnerability in motherhood is one of the hardest parts of becoming a mother. We wish to be seen as perfect, flawless, and put together. However, no one is perfect. Being open about your struggles to those that you care about does not make you weak, this makes you open. (Would you rather be open and welcoming or closed off and aloof?) Being open about your difficulties only brings about opportunities for a deeper connection and accountability with those that you surround yourself with.

What did this look like in my own marriage? I had to be honest that my coworkers and my boss that comprised from my working-life validated me in ways that I never needed when I would come home. Being a SAHM, my coworker (aka my child), does not do that. This conversation spoke both to where I was in my identity, but also where I needed love - words of affirmations. Understanding your love language as a mother is HUGE. If you have not, go take the test and you will only learn more about yourself! Our love languages are both how we receive love, but also how we display our love for others. You may need to show love to others differently than how you feel loved and supported in return. This is only one of many examples of how to feel supported in this transition.

Mental Health

Your mental health can shift and form to whatever season you are in during your life. This is directly correlated with one’s personal identity, but also one’s physical health. Most commonly, postpartum depression is talked about, but what about a mother’s anxiety? The weight of responsibility for another human is heavy, and the “what-ifs” are endless. Like most of mental health, this is a massive part of motherhood that is not talked about.

If you have or are struggling with anxiety, depression, insomnia, or OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) as a mother, unfortunately, this is normal. It is not discussed often, but it is common. So dare I say it again, let us #NormalizeMotherhood.

Before motherhood I could manage my self-care and mental health by painting my nails, journaling, and walking my dog, but as a mother… who has the time? The honest truth is that you have to make time. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Refill your tank, mama. Again, this is where I ask you, need I say, beg you, to speak with your loved ones and advocate for yourself. This is sometimes where you have to get creative and think outside the box. You may have to do a kid-swap with a friend and rotate days of self-care, ask your family for a you-time date night, or adjust your sleep schedule to wake up early/stay up late to make time for your self-care. At first, this may seem crazy and inconvenient, but if there is a will, there is a way. Your mental health, your self-care, and your well-being are a PRIORITY. So, make it happen, captain!

Physical Health

If you read through the quotes from some of my dearest mother-friends you will see insight into the mother’s body after giving birth. The body after birth is intense, can leave lasting impacts, and is not quickly recovered. That being said, I want to note that all mothers’ physical health is CRUCIAL.

All mothers can struggle with finding time to move their bodies, eating right, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, and understanding the stress and power being a mother holds.

I will never forget July 2020. I found my workout tribe, and almost threw up the first session. Everyone said that was normal, but I am not so sure. This group of women (@Momleta) over the last 9 months they have pushed me to physically move, set goals, and overall push myself to be stronger. They are amazing, and as said before, surround yourself with women that both accept you and challenge you.

The reason that I remember July 2020, is not solely because I joined an amazing group of women that are physically fit, but because I confided in a friend. This beautiful friend, Laura, asked me about motherhood, and I was vulnerable and honest. I told her it had taken me 6-7 months to feel more like my old self, and I felt finally ready to be strong again. It took multiple months to feel like my memory, my thoughts, and my persona was back to normal, and I was ready for my body to get there too. My exact words were, “I want to be strong again.” If you know this mama, you know she did everything in her power to reframe, redirect, and love on me in a way to encourage me both to pursue this passion, but to love myself along the way. This conversation has been the fire in my belly to learn to love exercising again. Being an athlete has always been a part of my identity, however, throughout the years God tore me down and has had to build me back up again. Today, He gets all the glory for the discipline and the dedication I strive to master as I am blessed with a body that can move and that also fuels my mental health.

There is a second part to being physically healthy, and that is how you fuel your body. My best friend 2 months ago planted the most intriguing idea in my head that I cannot walk away from, she said, “The way that we feed our body is a mirrored image of our relationship with our creator.” Mind. Blown. If you believe in God, this may shake you, and that is okay… that’s the point. What we put into our bodies impacts our health - both physically and mentally. There is a lot of culture being written in today’s world that claims we are to eat what we feel, however much we want, and this is our right. It may be our right, but it is also our choice. Currently, my mentality is fueling my body. Some days, that includes an iced caramel cold brew, chocolate chip cookies, or ice cream. Most days though that includes foods that make me feel like the best version of myself.

We teach our children to be strong, confident, and to advocate for their needs. What if, instead of only giving this knowledge to our children we embraced it and led by example? Motherhood is not always as perfect as it is cracked up to be, and the struggle is real on any given day. Yet, what if I told you that you are not alone and you are stronger than you think?

Until next time, your friend, Jordi

***

"How can one of the most wonderful things in life that cause so much joy and fulfillment have such frustrating side effects leaving feelings of emptiness and ineptitude? Hi, mother of FOUR here! To all the mama's out there, I know you have all done and said things that make you question your value as a parent, or even better yet, how much your child values YOU! How can these vulnerable, sweet bundles of love and energy be so darn intimidating and downright scary? With being a parent there are trade offs and a need for balance, with 4 kids I don't have the body of a teenager even though I have been in personal training for almost a year, it is a trade off I can accept. When I accidentally say a curse word in front of my kids or completely lose it in the car because of a bad driver, I am mortified in the moment but after I take a minute to reflect (sometimes hours or days later) I learn that those are the moments we teach our children how to handle life's unpredictability. I tell my parents to give themselves grace, yet that seems to be the hardest thing for me to give myself. If you are reading this, give yourself GRACE! Change the lense in which you view yourself, try another lense on, your child's, parents', partner's, etc. You will find not only are you the most ridiculous rigid human being on the planet and the moments that mean the most to your family and leave the biggest impressions are the moments of joy, silliness, vulnerability and grace. Keep on rocking that mom body that either you are happy with or absolutely hate, and remember the next time you ugly cry over your insecurities, know you are killing it!"

-Jenn Vaughn

***

"Jordi asked me to write this while on vacation, after I've been staring at myself and my insecurities in a swimsuit for the last 5 days. I'll be perfectly honest, I hate my mom bod. It's not glamorous, I hate my scars. You see a lot of women claiming their scars are a sign of pain, but it's beautiful because what your body was able to do. That may work for you but I'm still struggling with postpartum blues. I've had 3 kids in 4 years and I can tell you I'm still in the blues. My youngest is approaching 1 year and I still struggle. My biggest struggle is my own identity and the guilt I have for not being around my children. It's no surprise that your body changes after having babies. Blogs and celebrities everywhere will tell you how to "bounce back", but that's unfair. Your body will never truly be the same again because the trauma it experienced during pregnancy and labor. Personally, my boobs are 2 sizes larger than when I was in college. And when I was producing, add another cup. They're uncomfortable and heavy and they make my upper body look larger than what I know it is. I have the classic "mom pooch". Through exercise and watching my carbs I've been able to limit the size, but nonetheless it's still there. Before I wrote this I decided to go through my camera roll to find a photo that could show who I am. As I scrolled I saw picture after picture of me trying to cover parts of my body with one of my children. I always had one on my hip or one positioned just right in front to hide my stomach and (to me) oversized boobs. The final physical change that I've noticed is how I run and walk. My hips are significantly wider than they used to be which has adjusted my run/walk. Again, not something to be glamorized and something most women don't talk about.

Now onto the fun part, mental health. Postpartum blues are no joke. I didn't love being pregnant so I never had the feeling of missing it or wanting to have the belly back. My struggle was not being enough. I would try to calm one of my kids or put them down and if they didn't do it the way I planned I felt that I was the problem. Additionally, MATERNITY LEAVE IS WAY TO SHORT! I've had 3 different leaves, all of which when I returned I suffered from severe separation anxiety. I was worried that my child(ren) still needed me and whoever was taking care of them wouldn't know what they needed. Two times were with a sitter, and one time was with my own husband. Postpartum isn't talked about. You have your baby, you should be happy right? Not me. I struggled behind closed doors because I didn't think people understood how I felt. I never spoke about it because I didn't want to feel ashamed because moms are supposed to be superhuman and solve everyone's problems. Moms aren't supposed to have problems. My husband is an amazing man, so please no one think he isn't there for me because he is. He has done so much for our family when I couldn't. In a way this post is therapeutic because I'm able to release some thoughts but it by no means is the end. Pregnancy and postpartum should not be glamorized and women should be given more support postpartum than what is currently available."

-Emily Fuller